News and More Seriousness

First the news: I'm halfway finished with The Roost project. In fact, I've been working all night for the first half of the project. The other half needs more time, and if takes too long then I'll scrap the idea and just post the one I finished. And I decided not to do the GracieGrace project because I have little to no inspiration and I believe that GracieGrace already has a great logo and doesn't need a poster. You can stop reading here if you want. It gets personal here, but I'm not gonna hide anything.

Oh, but I love that shirt on you (^_^)

Lately I've been thinking about how people perceive me and how different each view of myself is. I understand that it doesn't matter what people think about me, but I don't want people to get the wrong impression of me. All the ideas people get about me are very conflicting and kind of make me confused about myself. My old roommates and family believe I'm a lazy bum that hasn't worked a day in her life, while strangers get the impression that I'm a hardworking ambitious girl. The same roommates think I'm a laid-back person with a somewhat rebellious attitude whilst others think I'm militant and disciplined. Another common one that almost everybody believes of me is that I'm smart, even my own family thought of this.

This should be a postcard that says "Wish You Were Here!"

I would like to clear up some things and tell the truth as best as I can. All of those views except the last are true, however conflicting they may be. I am extremely lazy and haven't known the true experience of a hard day's work. But I am ambitious, with mostly academic goals set in mind. Along with my laziness is my being very laid-back, often procrastinating 'til the day before a deadline. A previous post of mine ranting about my school's rules is a great example of my rebellious side, but not without good reason. Again, I clash these previous perceptions with a long record of good behavior throughout all the schools I've attended.

I'm also no longer tanned!

The last one takes a bit more to explain. I am not in the least bit smart. Some have complimented me on my vocabulary, however I'm just throwing a couple of big words in the middle of my sentences and often use gobbledygook. Look that up and you'll understand. The next part in my explanation is rather disheartening. As I previously stated, I procrastinate yet I turn in my home/classwork on time. And when I say classwork, I mean papers and a speech. The same goes for studying; wait and study ten minutes before a test or quiz. The sad part (for everyone else) is that I still pass my classes. In fact, I usually score higher than those who study way longer than me or do their work ahead of time. An example is a History test that I took. One girl that I knew has to study for more than an hour in order to get a C on her test. I, on the other hand, studied for five minutes and received a B (and my teacher gave out harder tests too). I'm not smart in the least, only shown a great amount mercy and grace by God. This is where I got yelled at by an old roommate. She said I could be an A student if I actually worked, to which my other roommates looked in a combination of awe and disapproval at me.

It had to be this day when a joke backfired (;_;)

Hate me enough? Well there are some redeeming aspects about me. That scolding was from my first semester. Since then I have changed noticeably. I am working harder and will be taking classes that I actually love, so no more half-hearted attempts of work. In a nutshell, there are two sides of me that people see. There is the steely, quiet, shy exterior that everyone sees, but there is also the fun-loving, happy-go-lucky, loud jokester that only a few are able to see. You know that as me, the Mental Frog.

A Little More Serious

Lately I've been watching a lot of Let's Plays of scary games. Amnesia (Dark Descent and Justine), White Day (a Korean horror game), and Penumbra just to name a few. I've noticed that in all those games and a lot of other scary games too, is that light plays a vital role in the gameplay. Whether it is to help the player see, or more importantly, keep the player from panicking. (By the way, I didn't make the picture, I just found it).

But we also use light mainly for these reasons. I don't know about you, but I know I can't survive long in complete darkness and its usually because I'm scared. Not because I'm scared of the dark, but of something that could be there that I can't see. Waiting for me when I'm unable to defend myself. You know, fear of the unknown. Yes, this frog can be scared too.

My point is: Light is needed. And I'm glad to be called by God to be the light in this world of darkness. I always knew that light was needed to see, but I never realized it was also needed for our mental and emotional needs. It gives us hope, comfort, and chases away our fears. That is what God does for us, all we need to do is ask.

[SPOILERS If you haven't played Amnesia: The Dark Descent]
I know that after the player is done hiding in the shadows, he/she quickly goes to a light source to help give the character some relief from the fear overwhelming him. One particular moment in Amnesia that really affected me was entering the back hall after going through the water part. After going through a terrible experience: having to be careful trudging through the water, an invisible enemy on your heels, and with only a little bit of oil left in the lantern. And then running for your life, jumping over boxes, and opening every door with trembling hands. Once you reach the final door into the back hall, you are greeted by a stairway that leads to a wide (peaceful) area with the most light throughout the castle (from what I remember). To be honest, I teared up a bit when I heard the music.

This is an extended version of the music:

Mental Frog's Folly

I don't mind that I'm silly, and a lot of the times stupid. I still have fun and get to laugh a lot (except at college). I believe that you have to (sometimes) lower your intelligence level in order to get a laugh out of something. Whether it be laughing at someone hurting themselves or tripping, or drawing a unibrow on someone you don't like. It's immature, but funny. And I happen to have a lot of immature moments.

Now you might say, "Ankoru, shame on you. That is very mean". But hear me out. While talking to my younger not-mental-frog sister, the topic switched to Stephen Hawking. I pointed out that if he wasn't using his legs, he should just get rid of them. After laughing for quite a while on how stupid that comment was, my mind wandered onto the movie Doom. And after five minutes, this was the result of my comment and imagination. We ended up laughing even more from the sheer stupidity of it.

Here's something that always brings me a smile:

Waiting for My Camera

I can't do The Roost project without my camera, so instead I quickly made something that will give people an idea of how I am in college. These are just pictures I found and are not from my school. All I did was add me (the Mental Frog from The Ricky Gervais Show).

This is how I look and feel in a lot of my classes that are different from the classes involving my majors. It's basically English and Bible where I have that look. The "I have no idea what's going on" stare and everyone else in class has the answers. You know, the "odd one out" look. And don't get me started on Speech *shudders*

Oh no... I have to finish Speech this year. Why me?!

Aside from how I am in class, this is how I truly feel just being at college. Yep, the Mental Frog shows its face again. I feel overwhelmed, stressed, and about to lose it. And it's not just about classwork. It's all related to the school and its strict rules. I understand rules are needed, but they go way out of hand. Yeah, its time for a RANT!!! 

The dress code, punishment for minor mistakes, their "reasons" for the rules, a lot of the rules, lack of privacy, guilty 'til proven innocent attitude, and their inability to show grace. For crying out loud, Jesus showed us grace, why can't they also show it?! A lot of the times I've compared the school to a lot of things. Said they were reverting back to Amish times. That prison is more lenient than the school, and that North Korea is less strict in comparison.

Okay, gotta calm down. Now after all that, why am I still going back? Because I know it's God's Will for me to go there. And this is a very big trial that I must go through. I won't let them defeat me, God is on my side. Just three more years...

Finally I Can Sleep Again!

Well I did as I promised. I finished the banner, albeit very poorly and rushed. I really did try, but I really wanted to finish it tonight that I rushed trying to change the size. Now a lot of it looks blurry and I'm only satisfied that I finished it.

This was inspired by Ghost In The Shell (of course), and I tried to make it look like I was turning into the mental frog. Why? Because my own family has commented that I was starting to look like that mental frog. I personally think that was the best compliment I've had about my appearance. The font I used for my name is called 'stereolab', which I think is pretty cool. Later, I might upload my drawings from college if I'm able to get my camera back. Not only that, maybe I will draw a certain person and mail it to him. It's a guy that does commentary on Minecraft, and I hope I get enough confidence to do something that bold.

Now I have to finish those other projects, and I'm including a job my mother gave me for a co-worker. Hope I don't disappoint this time.

And now for my favorite song. I love the lyrics, how strong-willed the singer sounds, and how both versions sound great.

Worries Galore

Earlier last night something was brought to my attention, which then transitioned into another compilation of thoughts. Much like the work I do.

I'll have to be leaving soon for college, which I fear and have been dreading this whole summer. People keep saying that after a week I'll get used to things again at college, but I don't think they know how much I enjoy the freedom I have here. But there are more worries other than the loss of my freedom. The biggest would have to be money. Of course, every college student also has this worry, some worse than mine. In the case of my best friend of sixteen years, whose birthday is in a couple of days. She's also a college student, but is striving for medical school and needs money for her own food. I already know what to get for her but my situation hinders me from being of any help. Which really saddens me, because she's been such a blessing to me and has been there when no one else (aside from my mother) celebrated my birthday. I pray that God will find a way to be able to give her what she needs and what I need.

I fear losing my inspiration, losing the love I have for one or both of my majors, not having enough money for books or to even get back to college, buying the ticket to fly back, how am I going to buy and even get the supplies I need to live in my dorm, what kind of roommates will I get, if I get to continue with my major, new shoes and clothes, will my teeth be okay, can I get a job, will I be able to balance my schedule, will I almost go insane again, or will I just break down...

But I shouldn't worry. Easier said than done, but I know I have to trust God. He brought me to that college to do His Will, and He will find a way to keep me there. I know I've just said more than a mouthful and I haven't even finished my long list of worries and fears. But I must go on, I pray that God helps me through this very difficult trial.

The next project will instead be inspired by The Roost from Animal Crossing. The banner is taking way longer than expected.

God's Been Good In My Life pt. 2

Hey, I'm not done praising God, and I'll continue 'til my last breath.

Yesterday was such a great day. I spent it with two very special people to me who have seen me grow throughout all these years.  One is my mother, of course, who's been there for me these past twenty years. And the other is my best friend who's been there for me for sixteen years, yeah that's a lot. I am glad that God has blessed me with such a great friend who I'm not worthy of. She's such a good friend and person. She's honest, humble and a much stronger person than I am. God is so good to me.

I spent most of my birthday with her; eating lunch, going to the mall, making a cake and watching a movie that reminded me of what God took me out of. I am so glad that I'm out of there and now have a new life. Later, my mom and I went to a really nice (and expensive) restaurant. I was already full before but I couldn't help but continue eating. It was really delicious and the waiter was so nice; I really hope I gave him a good tip (I'm not good at math). There was also this cute baby waving at us from across our table. My mother said, "I can't believe its been twenty years since you were like that". I hope the parents understand that time will fly by before they know it.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. We made a Portal cake but the inside was a rainbow cake. Yeah, I'm weird like that. Problem is, now we have too much cake at home. One huge carrot from my mother's birthday, the big Portal cake, and the small (but delicious) cake from the fancy restaurant. Actually, I've made three birthday wishes: one at lunch, the other from the Portal cake, and one from the fancy restaurant. God is good.

As a twenty year old, I'll start off the week reading more of the Bible, playing DDR (hoping that'll help as exercise), and watching my favorite movies that are not animated. First, Night of the Living Dead (1968), Dawn of the Dead (1978), Day of the Dead (1985), the remake of Night of the Living Dead (1990), and I'll try to find Land of the Dead (2005). After that, Return of the Dragon starring my heroes: Bruce Lee and the awesome Chuck Norris. I'll continue with all three Matrix movies (also try to find the third one) and end with Behind Enemy Lines*. Yep, God is good to this lowly geek.

*yes I have more movies that I also like, but these are the ones that make me look particularly geeky.